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A Little bit about Me |
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A Little bit about Me |
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Lying on the bed and looking out the window. Hey if you are good at something why not persue it? Normally this involves looking at clouds or stars and day dreaming.
Sitting in front of the heater its orange glow warms my feet and my heart.
Warm weather. When it is around 25 and there is a gentle breeze. It is like a warm bath only more delicate. If I can be watching the sunset at the time, it is orgasmic!
The Bush. I love being at one with nature, my identity seems more flexible, it evokes a sense of timelessness, freedom and universal belonging.
Comedy. Both subtle and outrageous. Such as BlackAdder, Monty Python and Red Dwarf.
Marillion. My favourite band. These guys are masters at evoking emotion. Their style is prog-rock. Their music and lyrics combine incredibly well, to something that reaches out and touches deep places within my spirit.
Linux. Or more correctly GNU/Linux. Is a free computer operating system similar to micro$oft windows. When i say free I mean as in speech, not beer; though it normally quite legal to give it away. Developed by volunteers from all around the world, it is a triumph of co-operation and of generosity.
Driving. I like driving fast and i like driving slow. Fast is exhilarating, total concentration, a meshing of man and machine. Slow is good too! There is so much beauty around, chill out, be courteous and enjoy it.
Helping and being nice to people. Sometimes it only takes a minutes kindness to makes someones day, I have lots of minutes to give, I am truly rich. Sometimes it takes an hour to help someone, that act of kindness may change their life! How can anyone not accept such a wonderful opportunity?
All my life I have felt that i have never really fitted into our society, which is silly really as there are alot of people who think differently from the norm, maybe i have always focused too much on those differences.
Mid December 2003 was a turning point for me. It marked the change from someone living in fear, who had lost hope; to someone determined to change their life around.
I have suffered from anxiety for as long as i can remember, slowly getting worse and worse. I felt as though struggle was pointless, everything seemed to make me slide downhill, inevitably down to the depths of murk where the only option was to kill myself. Which is where i ended up, sitting up a tree with a rope around my neck, trying to get the courage to jump. I sat like that for at least an hour....when i moved towards a position to jump I was flooded with adrenaline, started to badly shake, and had to move back. I just couldn't do it. Suicide had been living in my mind as a option for years, now i realised i did not have the courage to go through with it; and never would.
I realised the next day that my life was intolerable with no easy way out. Facing that, I did something I had never done in my life before, I asked for help. I have always been fiercely independent and i still feel that it is really up to me to turn things around. Maybe rather than learning to ask for help i learnt that it is ok to say how you are feeling. I have really bared my soul since then, told my friends all my deep dark secrets; and it has ultimately been incredibly rewarding. Being able to reveal the absolute "worst" of myself and still be accepted, and liked. I realised how cruel I have been to myself, I wouldn't treat an animal how I have treated myself....
My immediate plans are to challenge myself, in just about every aspect. To do everything that i am afraid of, then once i have the ability to do anything, I will be in a position to realise who I really am. For so long I have been afraid to believe in myself, when, in all modesty I am reasonably talented in alot of areas. I want to emerge from my cocoon and express who I am, thoroughly explore my talents! I need some balance, up to now i have been hiding in a very dark room and fixing things. I need to use my artistic and creative abilities much more.
And the rest of my life? Well, I have some original ideas for things to build, so I am actually going to build them. Any area of of my life I am not happy with I am going to change. I am very passionate about changing society into a more caring place , where peoples spirit is nurtured and everyone is free to be who they want. One of my immediate frustrations is housing; there are quite a few ideas for alternative houses, I'd like to setup a display village or a commune with like minded people; this is not to hide away from the world, this is so I can say "look at this!"
The pain of not doing something, has in the past seemed the lessor pain. It now gives me great satisfaction to overcome any initial hesitancy, I am feeling so much stronger now; I am so determined to live rather than survive.